


you best prepare to grieve.

by j_whirl44



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: 156 ruined me so, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, aggressive amounts of hand holding, here ya go, idk what im doing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:48:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24311554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/j_whirl44/pseuds/j_whirl44
Summary: Wilde and Zolf talk about the letter.
Relationships: Zolf Smith/Oscar Wilde
Comments: 20
Kudos: 72





	you best prepare to grieve.

Wilde leaves Hamid and Azu to it. He sees Zolf lingering just outside the doorway, his face is unreadable but his eyes are shiny with unfallen tears. Wilde reaches out and squeezes his hand gently. Zolf looks at him, he holds onto Wilde’s hand tight.

“How much did you hear?” Wilde asks.

“Some of it...most of it.” Zolf replies, his voice is horse and low.

Wilde hates seeing him like this, but this letter has burnt a hole in his desk drawer since he received it. A small and selfish part of him wanted to share it immediately, but there were, of course, the protocols that wouldn’t let that happen.  _ Then _ the kolbolds and the borb added more tension. The way Zolf got upset last night almost made Wilde almost chicken out even further, but then he thought this was something he needed to hear. Something they all needed to hear.

“What do you need, Zolf.” he says.

Zolf lets out a breath and brings Wilde’s hand up to his mouth and places a gentle kiss to the back of it.

“I just...need to be alone a bit. I’m, uh, fine...well-I’m not, but...you know,” the dwarf says. Wilde gives him a tight smile. He wants to protest, wants to stay with him, but he knows that’s selfish and more importantly wouldn’t help either of them.

“Okay,” he says, “You know where to find me.” He goes off to see how badly Cel’s wrecked the inn in their absence.

He sits off to the side and watches Cel work. They seem completely unaware that’s it’s just them and the kolbolds in the room, but something tells Wilde they don’t mind. He begins to pout as he becomes lost in thought, an old habit.

Him and Zolf were far too new at this to have all this happening now. They finally stopped dancing around each other and their feelings just before Hamid and Azu came back. Then they left for the Institute, and  _ then _ another quarantine protocol. So Wilde does the numbers and out of the almost three weeks since being together, they’ve only actually spent two full days enjoying it.

Wilde laughs to himself, he should’ve known. Zolf should’ve known. Hell, they probably did know this would happen but maybe both didn’t care. Both certainly knew going in that it was selfish and stupid anyway, so maybe this was some sort of punishment.

And now this damn letter, coming up out of the blue. It was delivered to him and only him. The seal was already broken, as expected, but what wasn’t expected was the note from Curie beside it.  _ ‘They’ll want to see this too’  _ it read.

Wilde didn’t know how to react when he read it. It almost felt too personal, he didn’t deserve to read it. It wasn’t meant for him. Even when he got to his own name towards the end, he couldn’t comprehend what that implied.

To think that there was someone out there long ago who shares his name, who was  _ given _ his name by someone he wasn’t always kind too, well that was too much for Wilde to think about now as he sat alone in his office, worrying about the others and when, or even if, they’ll return.

They did though, and Wilde could tell there wasn’t something right between them all, but there was nothing he could do. He couldn’t comfort Zolf, because in that moment he wasn’t Zolf, he couldn’t be until the end of the week and it killed Wilde. He read the letter every night they were down in that cell. It’s what he was doing when he was jumped by the kolbolds.

Now here he sits at the end of one especially long week and he’s exhausted. He’s used to handling a lot of moving parts at once but never things as emotionally taxing at this. Cel works further on their borb construction and Wilde tries to focus on that as he sees Azu and Hamid come back in. Azu sits at another table and Hamid walks into the kitchen to get two glasses and another bottle of alcohol. He doesn’t join Azu though and Wilde watches him take it towards Zolf rooms. He guesses that’s fitting. Those two have a lot to talk about. Especially now.

When he stops by his office, the letter’s gone, but he knows it can’t have gone far.

It’s later and he’s in his bedroom, he’s reading a book he’s read a thousand times already just to stay occupied. He tries and fails to not worry about the others, to not think about the letter.

There’s a familiar knock at his door. He puts up his book and opens it to see Zolf.

“Hi,” he says.

“Hi,” Zolf replies, in a much smaller, more tired voice.

He says nothing as he steps aside to let him in. Zolf enters and Wilde takes note at how stiff he looks. He knows he’s holding it all, but just barely. He thinks about reaching out but doesn’t.

They stand there in silence for a few moments, there’s a tone in the air that makes Wilde’s skin itch.

Zolf clears his throat, “Hamid thinks I’m gonna leave again,” he says. Wilde hesitates at that. He tries to keep his face neutral as he gives a non committal hum to try and ask Zolf to continue.

When he doesn’t Wilde finds his voice, “And?” is all he manages to say.

“Do you think that too?” Zolf asks. His voice is quiet and vulnerable.

Wilde’s throat now has a lump in it that he tries to swallow. He wasn’t expecting that question, but he does know the answer, “No,” he says.

Zolf looks over at him, Wilde can tell he’s on the verge of breaking because he is too. “How do you know that?”

Wilde gestures to come sit next to him on the bed, but Zolf doesn’t move so he gets up and grabs him and brings him there. “Because you’re different now. We all are. Whatever choices we made, whatever things we did back then don’t matter now. You’re not that person anymore-”

“Aren’t I?” Zolf asks, his voice rises.

“No. You’re not,” Wilde says firmly. He’s standing his ground on this because it’s true. Zolf’s not the same man he used to be, no matter how much he refuses to see that. “You’re not perfect, Zolf, but you’re better. Truly.”

Zolf looks speechless, he bites his lip and avoids Wilde’s gaze.

That’s not why Zolf is here though, Wilde guesses. There another long bout of silence. Wilde waits. 

Finally, Zolf looks over to Wilde, the insecurity shines through on his face, “Do you know what Sagax means?” Zolf asks. Wilde smiles at this and his eyes shine as he nods. Zolf is still stiff as a board.

“It means intelligent,” Wilde says. Zolf lets out a huff of air. He continues, “It also means wise. Someone who’s keen in their surroundings,” he pauses, “It’s a fitting name for someone named after you.”

He can see Zolf is definitely crying now and he’s not holding back anymore. His body shakes with sobs and when Wilde puts a hand on his shoulder Zolf immediately crashes into him. Face firmly planted into Wilde’s chest as he releases sobbing yell after sobbing yell. Wilde just hugs him and rubs his back as he buries his own face into the top of Zolf’s head. He starts to cry as well as he feels the tears escape his eyes and land in Zolf’s hair.

They stayed like that for a long time. Just crying while holding each other. Despite the pain both of them felt in the moment, Wilde overall just felt  _ good _ about it. Like it was a step in the right direction. The letter helps everyone move on, it might not have been what they wanted to hear, but it was damn sure something they needed.

After they finally settle, Zolf removes himself from Wilde’s embrace. His eyes are red and puffy and there’s snot coming from his nose and Wilde can only assume he doesn’t look much better. Zolf composes himself as he goes and grabs something to wipe his face with. Wilde watches him look in the mirror. At that moment Zolf just looks scared. His pale face highlighting his blotchy red cheeks. Wilde’s startled when he hears him laugh, Zolf walks back over with a wet rag and starts to clean Wilde’s face gently.

“What a pathetic lot we are, huh,” he says.

Wilde’s surprised at his dismissive tone. He grabs Zolf’s wrist to stop him from his task, “We’re not pathetic, Zolf. We’re grieving.”

He can’t read Zolf’s face but he hears his breath hitch slightly as he looks down at the floor in concentration.

“I-you’re...I guess you’re right. Just was never very...good at that part.”

Wilde takes hold of his hand now and squeezes it as he places it in his lap. “There’s no one way to do it, but it’s something we have to,” he says.

Zolf takes a moment to stare at him, then his mouth twitches upwards slightly and he rolls his eyes, “didn’t realize I was dating such a philosopher,” he grumbles.

Wilde smiles and laughs at the comment. This was good, a sign of things coming back around to normal; whatever that is. He winks, “Oh, mister Smith there’s still quite a lot you don’t know about me,” he says.

Zolf raises an eyebrow and is fully smiling now, “Is that so?” he says. He leans down and kisses him quickly. Wilde moves his hands around to Zolf’s waist so he can’t move away.

He sees now there’s still so much pain inside the other man’s eyes, but there’s also that blinding spark of hope as well. The one that’s been there since they found each other again all that time ago. It’s the one thing that has become a sign of reassurance for Wilde whenever things got hard over the past months. It’s the one thing that Wilde looks for every time Zolf’s in quarantine.

They stay embraced in silence for a few short moments before Zolf breaks their buble.

“I-I should go get some rest. Just wanted to...I don’t know. See you,” he says.

“You can stay here tonight, If you’d like,” Wilde said. They agreed to keep this on the down low, because of course it was safer that way. He already knew Zolf’s answer, but he thought he’d give hit a try.

When Zolf shakes his head he tries to ignore the drop in his stomach.

“As much as I’d like to, you know I can’t. Plus, I think I just need to be alone still. Lot of thinking to do. I’ll see you tomorrow. Back to business then,” he says.

Wilde wants to say more. Wants to try and convince him again, but he knows it’s no use. He knows Zolf can handle himself. He just wishes he could see he doesn't have to go at it alone anymore. “Very well,” Wilde says, he lets go of Zolf and listens to him head for the door. 

“She’d be proud of you, you know,” he says as Zolf opens the door.

He looks back at Wilde with a sad smile, “Yeah. Yeah...think she’d be proud of you, too,” he says before he shuts the door behind him.

Wilde gets up and smiles, a few more tears fall again as he goes and lights two candles like he’s done every night since reading the letter.

**Author's Note:**

> listen. i just..........needed to write this.
> 
> anyways, hope you enjoyed ha ha big happy fun emotions woooooo everything's fine.


End file.
